The Last Song.

This is my last blog.

I want you to know that you're beautiful and that I love you.
No matter how many times someone brings you down you need to get back up.
You need to be yourself and try to make others happy, be the person everyone wants to go to
to feel better or have a piece of advice. Bright up the room with your smile.
If there is anything I learned from being myself is that being sweet and caring is the best medicine you can give anyone and just like a drug people love you for it.

Don't ever give up and just try harder.
There is so many opportunities, so many chances you need to take them all.
Follow your heart and listen to your brain, think before you speak.
Make people proud of you and happy for you.
Be happy for how  beautiful the world is, for what we have and what we will lose.
Things won't always be there so you need to appreciate them.

Today I cry for something I've done. I always thought
that I was a good girl, a sweet loving girl but somehow during all this I lost myself.
" For a minute there, I lost myself... I lost myself.", "I've given all I can, it's not enough.".
All this wasn't enough. What more can I give? I feel like I've given everything... but maybe it isn't about that. I still don't know what it is. I'm waiting for it... whatever that is.
I do take my own advice and it soothes the pain for a while but it always comes back at night.
When I can't sleep and you know, that's okay because it'll be like this for a while. It will go away sooner or later. Better late the never.

Today I hugged someone to feel something and I didn't feel anything but I know I wanted to be held longer and I wanted to cry. It won't make me feel any better. it won't. I still wanted it because I remember when things like that made me feel better.

And you know I'm just crying here, as I type this up of for who ever reads it.
I feel so hopeless but I know things will get better. You just gotta try and try.
Even at my shy awkward self I've done some pretty amazing things that a shy person wouldn't normally do. They did make me happy, they made me so happy but I started hurting them. In the end I ended up alone again but it was fun while it lasted.
And you know I'll never forget because I live in memories.

.

Mohawk girls.
They are beautiful girls that have struggled in their life but even then they always find a
way to be happy and inspire people's lives. They may not think and feel that it is wrong for people to
look up to them but they have no idea how much they have changed people's views and hearts.

I wish they could see how beautiful they are the the us.

Ness, the girl I shared everything to.

I don't see why any men would like me to be honest. I look like a child more than half of the time.
I'm always mistaken for being in middle school or a freshmen in high school. Maybe it is just me and my mind. I don't see myself as a girl going on 19. I see myself as a young preteen or at the latest 16.

I'm not tall or beautiful. I'm an average girl with no life and a low self esteem.
At times I do have my moments where my confidence is high and I do crazy things but minutes later
I go back to being my shy, awkward self. Being shy is a curse. No matter how much I try I cannot escape it. It has become a part of me and I have learned to deal with it. If whom ever I am with can not be patient with me and accept me then there is no use but to end the relationship. I really wish that I could satisfy you but I can't. I know I can't and it's nothing that can be changed because I've tried for years.



I always get emotional when I talk about something I believe in or something that I want but can't do or have. I have such strong feelings for animals, people and life. I feel like I was put on earth to help something or save a life. I do not care if I die trying but I want to be able to make someones life happier or better and somehow I have. It seems that people always tell me that I bring a smile to their face. That I make them happy and they feel loved when I'm around them. That I bright up the room when I walk in.
I never thought that someone would feel that way about me or even say something like that because in my world I'm just a girl. I know I want to make people happy but I don't even notice it when I do it. Unless they are sad then I try to do or say something to make them feel better.

I'm not sure if I really saved her life or not but she was my first best friend. I would talk to her every day with big huge paragraphs and I know in my heart that I love her and I miss her. We don't talk anymore because my friendships with people never seem to last forever. It always starts getting awkward and we just have nothing else to say to each other. We wouldn't have mind if we could have just enjoyed each others company without saying anything but I've never met her. She lives in Canada and I live here, in Texas. If I ever saw her here, if I ever got the chance to miss her I would hug her and kiss her.
I cried so much for her and even now my nostalgia for her is a lot greater than anyone else that I've ever missed. To this day I still draw her sometimes. Me and her hugging and just being being happy.

Sweet Bunny

I'm kind of sad today.
I'm moving this weekend and going to San Marcos with my best friend. I should be happy but for some reason I just don't feel up for anything today. It's probably because I couldn't sleep last night and stayed up until three. It's been like that you know, not being able to sleep. I had asked my sister to bring me a book to read but since we are moving and my mom hadn't told us when I told her to return all books.

So many I's haha. I guess I'm self  absorbed. I never talk about anyone else but that would be a bit weird, wouldn't it? Actually I remember my first Diary, it never really talked about myself and how I felt about anything. Just about people and what they were doing with their lives.

Everyone is going to college and just working hard to achieve their dreams. What more can I say?
I know they all might have their problems but they don't really talk to me about them. I wish they did because I love helping people and now that I feel like I have nothing it just makes it worse to feel like no one wants to share things with me. I think out of all my friends I was the best at keeping secrets. Everyone else I knew told everyone everything but I just kept it. Probably because I forget to even tell people. Keeping secrets can be very hard to some people but to me it is easy.

So yes. We are moving this weekend. Probably Sunday. I won't be here Sunday though,
I'll be with my friend on our way to San Marcos. I'll be staying for a week and then come back to my new life. To my reality. In the pink apartments hidden by everyone to see amongst the sinners that creep in the dark, staring at you with their eyes full of lust and emptiness.

But I prefer not to see it that way.
My reality is in some cute pink apartments  behind an Asian street. Full of the riches of my culture and
a wonderful old lady who gives us a sunshine to wake up to. I don't know what I'll do or where I will work but I'll try my hardest to help my family in every way I can.


This may be my last blog. Maybe I'll post another one tomorrow.
About a happy memory or how me and my boyfriend met haha. I love him.

Me when I was sixteen. I don't know why. In my head I'm always sixteen. When I draw myself, I am at the age of sixteen. I wonder if anyone else has that one age that they always imagine themselves in.
I got that dress in forever 21. I think It looks unflattering but when you wear it looks really nice.
The only thing wrong with it is that I'm only 5'1 and it's too big on me.
I've also lost weight since then so it falls off more. I
I miss my long hair sometimes. It made me feel more comfortable. Should I grow it back?
You can't see it in this picture but it was all the way down to my back haha.

INFJ and INTP.

I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. My mom hasn't been working this past week and she acts as if nothing is wrong. Is that her way of coping? Or are there other things going on that I don't know of?

Lately I've been getting more blunt than usual. I don't know if it's just a phase or if it's because I'm so stressed that when people say something that I think is silly I have to speak out against it or something.
I feel like I'm sitting in a room full of fire. Ever sweat and burn makes me annoyed and angry.
Other times I just feel that the person should know.
I also feel like every time I like someone I'm always kind of mean to them. Not that I insult them but just speak what I find to be the truth. Which I guess is being blunt.


Two days ago I had found out that my best friend is also a INFJ. I am not sure if that test is correct or that if people make a big deal of it but a lot of the things made sense. Both me and her love Sad Music. People say we look alike. I'm not sure if it's just because we are both Hispanic but people always come up to me and tell me about how they thought that was me or asked me if were sisters. I laugh because to me we look nothing alike. My face is long, her face is rounded. My hair is dark, her hair is light. I'm thin and have small hips while she has more a of a voluptuous body type. The only thing that I would have find a similarity in is our eyes. We're always squinting. I can't help it and I'm not sure why she does it I guess it is just natural to us.

When I listen to music I feel what the artist was feeling when they wrote the song.
It touches my heart in such a deep way that I often begin to cry. It is the same thing with certain movies and books, poems, lyrics and art.
It's just so easy for me to see the beauty in everything. I love nature and life. It's something that I feel I could never give up no matter how many times I think I'd be better off dead.

I believe maybe that's why my creations are different and not liked by most. It is heartbreaking because I can't be very emotional about my art pieces although I feel like I fall in love for each and everyone of them.
I do worry a lot. I worry about the silliest things. What if a bomb hit Houston? What would I do? What if a thief got in my house? How can I save my family and love ones from such things? It's in my mind constantly, especially at night.

I get INFJ or INTP every year. I take it once a year. I've never gotten anything.
Although theories do fascinate me I don't see why I would get INTP. I am nothing like the famous people on the list. I have horrible memory and forget the theories the next day.


So if anyone reads this and you have any questions for me go ahead and ask!
I'll be happy to answer all of them.(:
I love questions. ^^

I took this picture when I lived with my Aunt.
Living with her kept me locked in a room every day but It was a nice
place to take pictures once in a while.

"Life."

New Home.

It will until next Saturday that I'll be living in my new home.
I went to visit and the apartments were hidden behind a street of Asian and Hispanic stores.
The apartments were strange and creepy from the outside. Men staring at you like a piece of meat.
We all felt a bit uncomfortable.
The apartment was in the second floor which made me happy because it means there might be a balcony. We soon met the lady as she answered the door for us.
I felt bad knowing that she had been talking to her daughter who lives in Mexico.
We entered and it was cute with a nice homey feeling.
She was sweet and nice. She talked a lot.
She had a love for small miniature things and she did a lot of tiny drawings.
I'd wondered if I should have brought mine. I had left my artwork with my friend, Drake a couple of days before.

The room that we were staying in, all four of us, was very small.
She then gave us all a hug. I didn't feel anything. No warmth nothing.

As she released us we headed towards the balcony.
I realized the apartments were a bright pink.
I looked down and saw kids running and a cute garden.
This place wasn't so bad after all.
I felt a warmth in my heart. A nostalgic feeling. This was like my childhood.
Living with other people, struggling and reaching for our futures.
I wondered what those kids life would be when they grew older. Would they give up by the time they are in middle school like me? Or would they succeed and become something great.

I know I cry everyday at night. But Last night I began to cry sooner than I had hoped for.
I quickly ran into my room and locked myself for the rest of the night.
I thought I had calmed down so I headed to the kitchen for a snack and picked up my moms cell phone instead. I called my love. I began to cry again and I felt horrible. We tried to talk and finally he made a sigh. I hung up and texted him instead. I texted my two friends and my love for the night until twelve pm. The time couldn't of gone any slower. It's nice knowing that people try even though no matter what you do you always end up being sad in the end just knowing that someone is there for you brings me a ray of hope in my heart.

A beautiful awkward, scary women.

Today I made myself some good tea. I made myself some nice noodles with ham and eggs. And watched the movie Ponyo. I'm trying to enjoy my last days in this house. The time that I have being alone. Peacefully. Letting the light, the sun touch me through these big windows. Although this house is awkward, although it is scary at night. It's beautiful. I'm going to miss living here. I'm going to miss having my peace. When I move I won't be able to sing anymore. I won't be able to have alone time. I just need to enjoy this as much as I can.

Lovely Tragedy

Lovely Tragedy. Drawn by me with prisma colors.

Last Night.

My mom and her boyfriend got into a big fight.
He was really angry because me and my sister always ignore him
and we don't ever clean.
Which is wrong because I'm always cleaning but on this day
my sister had made herself some food since she just came home from
school and he just got super angry.
He stormed out on my mom right when she got home from work.
He said that he is starving and that he never has anything to eat.
Which sounded really stupid because we always have left over food and
there is this thing called the dollar menu these days.

Well my mom was really sad and she said we were
moving out in a couple of months.
I don't know where we are gonna go, probably the poor side of Houston again.
She said that we were gonna sell the laptop soon.

):

It makes me really sad.

She got mad at me and blamed it all on me.
But of course I won the argument because she is wrong about me not cleaning.
I later cried for two hours straight.
I wish I could tell her how I felt.
All my friends are off in college and I'm stuck here in this house,
doing nothing with my life. Nothing.
All I ever do exercise and try to win crap online. :/

Really, I wanted to go to college so bad... My life is miserable.
I still can't find my stupid wallet.
Without it I can't work, I can't do anything. Ugh.
I hate to admit it but I need help,
me and my family needs help.

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I decided that I will be making a new blogpost every tuesday. c:

The family I left behind.

That's me in the far left. I smiled a lot in photos when I was little. c:

A Bunny Story

Born in another country makes it hard for me to live in the U.S.
I think I always knew, in the back of my head, but my Junior year in high school is when it hit me.
I won't be able to have a normal job, I won't be able to get a license, and my life will be harder than most once I turn eighteen.
It's been eleven years since that rainy day. I do remember, I do remember when we got here. Clearly, as if it was just yesterday that it happened. I was only six. People say it's hard for them to remember things from when they are young but something like this you never forget.

I don't remember the weather in my country, I can't really feel it when I think about it. All I remember was the sun. It was probably hot and dry. The street was full of dirt and rocks. My house was made of cement. We were only renting it. The next thing that happened tears me up even to this day. I remember walking off with my mom and my tiny sister. She must've been about three. I don't remember any suitcases. We had a taxi arrive at our trashy, grey house. My mom hurried me to take her hand. I look back at a golden retriever. A girl, named Reina. Queen, it means Queen. The most beautiful dog I'd ever laid eyes on. She was my pet, my baby. I loved her so much. "What about Reina, Mami?" I asked my mom calmly. "Do you want to stay here with her or what?". I said nothing and took my mothers hand. I've always been an obedient child. Reina sat and watched us leave. She was just sitting there as if she knew this was the last time we were ever going to see her. Maybe it was because she's always been a good girl but it pains me so much. I left her. How could I have done that?
I completely forgot about her after that or maybe I just didn't want to think about it. Until a few years later my mom informed me of her death and I cried, I cried and I still cry.


The next thing I remember was the Bus. I sat next to the window and watched as the desert turn green and full of trees. I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. I couldn't believe how cute the houses were. We might have gotten off at a McDonalds to get food. I am not sure. I had never eaten there before or heard of it but we had no money so we stayed inside. We got off somewhere and I believe we spent the night there? I'm not sure. It might have been just a dream. Either way we were off to our next stop and that is where I saw my dad. He had left to the US before us. I really am not sure how long, I don't even remember him not being there. I don't ask. This is where I saw the first act of kindness in the country of freedom.
A homeless man in a wheel chair looked at my tiny sister and gave her a piece of candy. It was a mint red striped candy in a clear plastic wrap. He holed it out to her but my sister hadn't noticed. Only I did. I simply watched him as I walked away quickly with my parents.

It was cold and humid outside, something that I've never really felt before.
We arrived at our final destination. We were at my Dad's cousins house.
She let us stay in her house for the next few months.
This is where my happiness and hell began. Although I didn't realize it was hell until we moved out, My parents didn't want  us to be in that kind of environment. I met my cousin Valleska here, we laughed a lot. We always wanted to spend time together but her parents fought.

We left to live in an apartment. They were called Blalock apartments. They were old, creepy and
beautiful. They reminded me of another country. Not home, not the U.S. Just our own little country.
My life as an illegal alien began here. It is when I realized that we were never going back to our home country. It wasn't just a year vacation. It was a life time.